How did I have the guts to book a one way ticket ALONE
I wanted to just write a little on something I’m asked a lot - which is how I had the courage to hop on a flight to Australia by myself. I was also asked this when I did my seasons too so here it is!
It was either this or depression.
I felt the same with my seasons too. Not so much then but it was more of a ‘what the actual heck am I doing with my life?!!!!’ kind of issue. I didn’t know what I wanted to do, I had crippling anxiety, I dropped out of my second year of A-levels because of it. I was just in a strange place and I thought I’d push myself so far out of my comfort zone that there was literally no turning back. Those seasons changed my life. I became confident, sure of myself and my opinions, I made great friends, I experienced so many things, I went through really hard days but pulled through, I learned about who I am and how to process situations. I could stand in front of 100+ people and do a welcome speech. I learned to go with the flow and expect/react better to change. I learned so so much and pretty much just needed to be in a different place with new people and different cultures. I lost my best friend at the end of my first season and holy guac the GUILT I felt so leaving was horrific. But she was so proud of me and again, it was just another feeling I managed to work through by leaving again. Maybe running away? Who knows. But it helped.
I have been home a year today (okay not home as I’m now in Australia but you know where I’m going with this). This day one year ago I landed in England to a boyfriend, a job and no desire to do any travelling for a while. I wanted routine! I loved it in fact, that 9-5 life. I had the best summer I think I’ve ever had as an adult actually. A strong love with someone that made me laugh beyond belief. A social job that I looked forward to. Obviously had things happened in that relationship but honestly, the good outweighed the bad at that time. But then I got promoted and work started to get intense. I then went through that break-up as you know. My job then got more and more intense, I wasn’t dealing with the break-up, I was getting into a really bad head space - I was beginning to not cope if I’m very honest with you. I had a really bad night one night and I scared myself. So, I did what I always do. Picked myself up and made a decision to get me happy again. It meant leaving a good, steady job in the centre of Bristol - somewhere I love. It meant leaving my friends and family again. It meant going back to living a temporary life with temporary people, it meant spending money instead of saving money at the age of 23 and mostly, it meant a lot of things I suppose. But I did it - I walked into that travel shop and booked a one way flight and got myself a working holiday visa.
Now I’m here - I feel genuinely happy. Don’t get me wrong I’m still working through things. But my mentality towards it all has changed so much. I’m feeling more independent than I’ve felt for such a long time. My mentality towards everything is healthy and great in fact. I just feel so grateful and happy and full (lol and literally, I just ate the biggest breakfast you’ve ever seen in your life). I want to maybe write a different post on feeling happy because it’s something I really care about. The fact being happy doesn’t mean having everything in life, but just being able to stop at any moment and think ‘yes - this is it, I am happy’. Regardless of waist size or how much money is in the bank or how many assets you own or how many hardships you’ve been though. You know?
I have never felt so… In the moment I guess you could say. All I am thinking about is today. What I’m going to do today. Do I fancy the beach or shall I get snacks and watch Riverdale. Maybe both! I have the mental capacity to reply to people’s texts again now, to socialise with who I’m staying here with, to loosely plan out my next steps. I feel ready to get another job and meet people! I’ve spent 3 weeks doing absolutely nothing but spending time in the sun, exploring, eating, drinking wine, writing, filming, editing, drawing, feeling happy, feeling content, feeling like myself. And now, I’m ready for the next step. Which by the way is moving to Sydney!!
Just to touch on it - I’ve had a few days of feeling lonely here. It’s a small town with no one my age so I’ve been completely by myself. But firstly, it was so needed. And secondly, my mindset is in such a good place right now that I’m like ‘oh well, I won’t be lonely in a couple of weeks when I’m living in hostels and working all the time so I’m going to accept and take this quiet time right now for what it is’.
Anyway - I’m starting to ramble. I think I got everything down. But what I’m trying to say is that I wasn’t born a confident explorer filled with Wanderlust. I made myself into that. I did what I had to do. I let go (as much as poss) of social expectations and did what I needed to do for myself. I also know it’s very extreme to fly half way across the world but what I’m trying to say is that everything is temporary. I thought I was done with this life thing but remembered I can change my situation. So I did. Not that it was easy but I did it. If you’re feeling the same then I promise it will be better. What would make you feel happy? Do that. Change a job, save for a few months and then take a couple of months off to re-evaluate. Take a trip. Start a hobby. Set intentions. Make a routine. You know what I’m trying to say here and that is the good old fashioned YOLO. I hate myself right now too but it’s more true than ever.
See you soon,